Step Four: Welcome to the Jungle
I wasn’t just being clever at the end of Step Three. This is the jungle. And in it- the sources of all these rules- we have to figure out how to find and identify as many of the rules as we can..
As a therapist, I often hear what seem to me horror stories of clients trying to go to therapy to get some help only to encounter a clinician whose approach begins and ends with “how does that make you feel?”
If you like that, go for it. Because you will not like me.
Feelings matter. Feelings are real. But what we need to add to this is reality: feelings are not facts. We can, and should, talk about and explore our feelings. But our feelings both come from and then are managed by our thoughts, and in particular, our beliefs. Beliefs are rules just like our values, wants, needs, fantasies, and preferences are. Rules matter because violations of rules lead to conflict. That conflict may result in depression, anxiety, or stress. It may result in gastrointestinal difficulty, sleep disturbance, muscle tension, chronic pain, and many other ailments. Rule violations, both internal and external, are at the center of the rule disputes that conflict represents.
No one is responsible for your feelings except you. Your feelings are spontaneous and they emerge as you react and respond to stimuli, internally and externally, environmentally and socially. To be human. To be social,. To be relational. We gotta add thought to feelings. We are neither dismissive of feelings, nor do we focus exclusively upon them. Feelings and thoughts are interactive just like brain and body are.
In the jungle that represents the multiple sources of your rules, you have clusters of experiences that are loaded with feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, experiences, and so forth. To find our rules, we can and often do start with feelings. But if you want to get better at anything, you need to learn more than just what your feelings are and sharing them with someone.
On this website, there is a brief video about this. Leaning in to conflict means leaning in to your experience. Where there is affective (feeling) distress of any kind (sadness, anger, fear, etc) that is because there is a rule or rules that are being broken. Similarly, where there is affective positivity (you’re happy, confident, aroused, etc.) that is because a rule or rules you have are being met or followed. It is just as important to know about the rules that are in play when shit is working as it is to know about rules in play when shit is not working.
Right now, this discussion is focused on your internal experience in the relationships you have with all kinds of people and things: your spouse, your exercise routine, your bag of Cheetos in the pantry, your teenage kid who acts like they can’t stand you, your great hair day, your spank bank, your obligatory monthly bunko group, how you fold your towels, and who cleans the shitter. How you feel is a function of what you think about whether the rules influencing all of these things are being met or being broken. We need your brain to identify the rule dispute that is at the core of how you are feeling, both positively and negatively. When you see how your feelings are tied to the rules and what you think, we can then make adjustments so that more rules are met, bad rules are tossed, rule violations are addressed, and room can be made for new rules. This is that self-awareness piece.
Examine your feelings. Then ask one question: what rule or rules do I have about this? And if that other person in whatever relationship you’re in is happy, pissed, tuned on, quiet- ask yourself: what rule or rules do they have that are in play right now? When you find the rules, you can find the nature of the dispute. You can understand the conflict and what is leading to the feelings you have. This is crucial information for it sets the stage of empowerment to do something about how you feel.
