Step One: Defining Conflict
Welcome to your first module. You just took the first step towards unscrewing your life.
One of the first things we need to do together is understand your definition of conflict and what it represents to you.
In my clinical and consulting work, I love asking people about how they understand conflict. Often, what comes out is something like: “I’m uncomfortable with conflict” or “I avoid conflict at all cost.” My response to that is simple: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Conflict is a lot of things, sure. But from the start, we need to understand that conflict contains the potential for relationship enhancement. When we are in conflict, either internally with ourselves, or externally with others, we must lean in to conflict because doing so not only positions us for resolution with the application of the right tools and framework, but it also facilitates enhanced, closer, more satisfying relationships.
Posture is everything. If you are doing a deadlift or sitting in a chair, when your posture is off, everything that follows from it will be off. Not only will you be counter-productive in whatever you’re trying to do, there is a good chance you’ll create damage and maybe even hurt yourself. The same is true about relational conflict. If your posture is…”I’m leaning in because this can make my relationship situation better,” you’re already poised to win.
Once your posture is set, now it’s time to make your move. So how do you lean-in and make that first move in conflict? Answer: with your brain and with your perspective.
What perspective?
Simple. Conflict is nothing more than a rule dispute. Period.
We all have rules, whether we’re aware of them or not. And the people with whom we share relationship have rules, whether they know them or we know them. If there is conflict of any kind, whether it’s between lovers, friends, communities, or countries, it is because there is a dispute regarding one or more rules.
Preventing, managing, and resolving conflict is all about using good posture to allow your brain to find the rule or rules in dispute causing the conflict. It is not about the person. It is about the rules. When you get this, and then practice your tools within the Rules Framework, you can be a conflict master.
Move on to Step Two to learn more!
